Hey guys. Already I’ve been slacking on updating this as much as I’d like to, just goes to show what being so depressed can do to your goals. I’m still waiting to increase my dose- since my last post, I’ve been talking to a few people, whom all of which definitely recommended I go up… 55 milligrams just isn’t cutting it. This morning I went into the clinic, and I was told I could either see the doctor on Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday after 7, which is a pain in the ass, since my man takes me before he goes to work at 7 in the morning. I can’t do it Thursday, either, because I have court for a stupid fucking traffic ticket. If your shit is suspended, don’t drive, dude- it seriously ain’t worth it.
Court Thursday, and a 185 dollar ticket that’s due to be paid by today. My boyfriend said that he’d take care of that for me while I’m at work, thank god. Between him and my father, I’d have a lot of unpaid fines right now… I hate that. I hate money, I hate needing money, and I hate having to ask for money more than anything else. I truly believe that money is the root of all evil, that’s caused most, if not all, of the fucked up shit that goes on in our society. It frustrates me to holy hell that there’s no way around it, no option to live your life another way if you choose. It’s really funny to me, that we live in America, the land of the free, and we have zero choice in what we do. We haven’t been “free” in a very long time. If I stop to think about that too much, my hands and feet start to go numb and it gets hard to breathe, so let’s just move on for now.
Dylan still doesn’t know that I used. I ended up using a second time after that, I had my boy drive down with another three bags- those ones didn’t do shit for me, must have been some bunk dope- and when he came by, his uncle was in the passenger seat indulging in a little bit of hard. Of course I said yes when he offered me a couple hits off the pipe- I haven’t smoked crack in almost a year. I really don’t enjoy it that much, I don’t like the way it makes my throat feel, but I think it goes to show how desperate I am for this pain to stop that I am willing to do literally anything if it’ll take it all away. Yet, I still ended up going to an NA meeting and collected my 60 day key tag so I can continue to save face…
I feel like everything I do, everything I am capable of is just bad. Just wrong. Like, no matter how hard I try, I will always fail. It seems like I’m only capable of destruction anymore. All I think about anymore are different ways that I can hurt myself. I think about all of the shitty things that I’ve done in the past to get drugs, or the money for drugs- like all of the stealing from the people I love, whoring myself out for drugs and consequently getting raped- but hey, it’s alright! I got a brick out of the deal, let’s fucking party! Nothing in my mind shuts off, I just need it to stop… I’m getting more and more frantic, and being alone all of the time really doesn’t help. At least I’m getting used to the ankle monitor.
Fucked up shit keeps happening with my ankle monitor, by the way, and this is actually kind of funny (now that it stopped and it’s not doing this anymore): I was charging my ankle bracelet the other night, right? I think it was two days ago. It finished charging, and when it’s usually done, it will tell you in a man’s voice, ‘battery charged,” until you remove the charger. So I took it out, and the fucking think wouldn’t shut the fuck up for about 5 minutes. It was driving both me and my boyfriend up the walls, man. I thought I was boned, and that it was just going to keep saying battery charged forever- I was getting ready to saw off my god damned foot, hahaha. But anyway, I’m actually going to update this more often. I really want this.